The Big Kahuna

For the last 2 years I have trained to beat a World Record. That world Record is: The smallest boat, to travel the longest distance, in the fastest time. The first part of my training took me to the Big Island of Hawaii. Where in winter waves can range between 30 and 50 feet tall. Islanders saw me crash wave after wave. and get bloodier by the crash. they called me "the crazy main lander" till one night I sat with them at a bonfire. A Hawaiian, by the name of Mafuu; sat down beside me. He asked. " why do you crash wave after wave. when I've seen you glide through waves without hesitation? Do you have a Death wish?" I said. "No I do not." "Then why must you crash these waves?"Mafuu exclaimed. "because I'm training to beat a world record. And in the southern reaches of Africa and Australia I will be facing waves as high as 80 to 140 feet in height. the training is not how to surf the wave. the training is how to survive a crash of a much larger wave." the explanation seemed to suit him and he was quiet for a short time. I had not noticed that the music had died off or that all the party goers were quiet. when he finally regrouped his thought he looked to me and asked: "Did you not notice today that all of us left the water?" when i didn't answer he pushed the subject and asked:" did you not realize how much you were bleeding or that a lot of sharks were around? A ten footer chased you down the last wave. at the last moment it veered off. Why do u push yourself so hard?" "I'm beating this world record for charity. I have lost 8 people I've known to cancer. 2 of which died in my arms. one was my father. another my friend." at this time I wondered if I hadn't drank too much. my head became dreamy and my hands felt clammy. Mafuu looked to me with a renewed sense of worry. "for 9 months I've watched you and never liked you. But never once did I take the time to ask you. I thought you be be just another crazy Main lander." he looked me over quite intensely: and barked to friends to bring a car around. what is your name main lander?" Joey Selph. I slurred. " well joey you need to go to a hospital immediately, cause I fear you may die." I poked at a swollen ear bitten the night before and asked:"Are blue centipedes lethal? "Not unless your allergic to bees"He said."But in the last hour you've become white as a sheet. your fever I can see. your knees and elbows are twice to three times there normal size. you have a staff infection that is very bad." it was only then that I realized someone had grabbed me. strong arms made sure I didn't fall. in a white haze I passed out. When I awoke. Mafuu was in the chair next to me. the I.V. plugged unceremoniously in my arm. "you scared me joey. you were out for nearly 12 hours." the paste film that was my voice finally gave way to words. "Sorry." Was all I could say.mafuu walked to the door. being satisfied that we were alone he walked back and began to speak."Years ago I was bitten by a shark." he looked out the window and all I could see was another flawless Hawaiian day. but, he was caught in a memory that shook him to the core. without turning he said."I nearly quit surfing over that shark attack. I was full of rage about a family members death. and ignored many of the things I 've always known about this Island." he raised his shirt and beneath it was a perfect circle of shark teeth scars."I was angry cause I watched my mother die of cancer."

This is just an example to show you the gravity of what I ll be facing in a boat not much larger than this kayak. THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF ME. It was taken in Honolulu. I trained on the big island of Kona.

Mississippi River Mud Waves

Mississippi River Mud Waves. They don't call it the Mighty Mississippi river because of tranquil calm such as the picture. They call it the Mighty Mississippi because conditions can change to Hellish or nightmarish in minutes.

Killer Asian Carp

So you are aware: These pictures are not of full grown Asian Carps like the ones that slammed into my boat.

 
On the Mississippi river, I found that I was not always alone. on one quiet night, the fog was thick and visibility limited. A slow moving barge sounded its horn as it got close. A thud on the bottom of the boat got me thinking of how close a possible alligator could be. When the barges spot light found me ; It remained focused on my tiny craft to avoid a late night crash.It was then that All Hell broke loose. 1000 or so silver Asian Carp exploded out of the water. For a brief moment I thought I was caught In a trout run. That was of course until an 80 pound Asian Carp slammed into my head and nearly rendered me unconscious. It landed on the bottom of the boat and my rage took over. in seconds I had killed it. the barges light stayed focused on my small boat and it was only then that i realized why all the carp were flying towards the boat.( It was the laughter of the workers on the barge which quickly made me realize the danger of the situation.) I grabbed for the marine radio and screamed profanities into it. " Turn that fucking spot light away from my boat or I swear to you I will come up there and kick your ass.your going to get me killed you stupid fuck!" I could see the pilot house of the barge, and the captain as my words slapped him like an angry wife. The thumping of fish banging into the boat became louder. it was only then that i saw the captain of the barge screaming to his mates to move the beam of light. The seriousness of the situation became evident with the terror in the crews face. as the beam of light moved away so did the Asian carp. this would not be my first encounter with dangerous animals nor, will it be my last.(authors note:) According to The Fish Game and Wildlife Services, Army corps. of Engineers and leading Marine Biologists; over 2751 Nautical miles of rivers have been fouled by several species of Asian carp.The exploding populations of the Asian carp have choked our waterways, endangered native species of fish and shellfish to near extinction levels. all attempts to electrify waterways to keep the Asian Carp from invading the Great Lakes have failed.

Thanks to Dave of the Hennepin Fire Department and the Sheriff's Department for allowing me to make an emergency docking.

Amphibian Prototype #2

2nd prototype."Amphibian". Destroyed when it hit a tree at 20 mph. Tree more then likely felled between 1870 and 1900. All rivers were in drought.

Why?

http://www.sharonandalexdotheloop.com/?p=228

He had come from Chicago and his boat is named “One Pissed Off American”.  The marina staff thought he might be a bit scary and was most happy to see him leave now that the weather was clear.  He had been sleeping the the marina laundry room for 3 nights. We watched him leave the marina but he turned north so perhaps he realized the folly of trying to make such a trip in such a little boat.  Given that one can encounter 4 foot waves on the river, his boat was way too small.  I guess it takes all kinds. 

Let me be so bold as to comment on your rude comments. I will try to do so without cussing but a wanna-be-witch such as yourself needs a good thrashing. your 30 second interview with me shows your narrow mind and ruthless heart. I have more respect for the paparazzi then I do for your uneducated ramblings on Google. Let me be so kind as to correct you in what you never bothered to ask: Or in these rude comments, check. www.onepissedoffamerican.com's mission is to save the lives of children with cancer. I have invested over $50,000.00 of my own money because I believe in what I do. I'm willing to risk life and limb because I care. I have devoted over 3 years of my life getting my hands dirty, something I doubt You've ever done. Get your facts straight lady. Had I known that you published this I would have spit in your face. Had I have known that you personally cost me another 3 days back log because of your complaining, I would have been most disapproving. FACT: Five days previous, my boat slammed into a 120 to 130 year old petrified tree doing 20 mph.In Florence, IL. The resulting crash had slammed the motor into my head. FACT: The injury would be that of a concussion. FACT: Both Boat and motor were a total loss If you knew anything about my past You'd know that a head injury could kill me. Esp. after spending 11 months 22 days in a coma. FACT: Even with a concussion  I feverishly worked  for a week straight in the cold and freezing rain to clear old gear and dirt which made the 15.5 ft. boat little more then a flower pot.(you can also ask the mayor of florence who passed me night and day) FACT: I was waiting for A mechanic to repower the 25 horse Evinrude short shaft. If you look at the picture You can see that it is too small for the boat. FACT: Said mechanic refused to enter the marina because of people just like you. FACT; I lost over $550.00 in dried foods and gear to the raccons the marina refused to call the humane society over; And if I was forced to watch my gear: I will not apologize for having to use the laundry room (which I paid for) to stave off hyperthemia. While we are on the subject of bad hair days; let me be the first to tell you That mug shot you call a picture needs some serious help. Please do fire your beautician because they need to retire their WEEDWACKER. Those over-sized sunglasses do nothing to hide your bi-focals. And those rinkles read like an ancient world map. I am trying to save the lives of all people. Rich and poor. Young and old. people who are dying at a staggering rate. Each and every hour, 365 days a year. People such as you disgust me trying to flatter yourself by putting other people down. The next time you plan a trip I suggest Egypt. maybe a Sarcaficus would better suit your mummified heart!

Alton, IL - A pitstop of sorts, if you want to call it so

The cold is coming in like a lion. The temperature on the water is about 10º lower than the low for the day. When it's raining on top of that, then it's more like an elements smorgasbord. Plus, the certainty of motor #3 hasn't been fully explored. One day at a time.

Image by Google Earth used under its Creative Commons license.

Hardin, Illinois - Interview for. . .a local paper

Just finished an interview with the Calhoun News-Herald. A picture will follow in the next few days.